Jean's Perspective
by ThatGirl35
Summary: Jean's Perspective on his squad mates and his decision to join the Recon Legion. A bit of JeanKasa, from his perspective. This is my first fanfic, so any thoughts, comments, squees or flames are appreciated! Picture by viria13


Their friendship had just begun.

Sure, he knew his squad mates from the 104th. He knew their names, their strengths and weaknesses, who worked well in a team and who didn't. But he didn't really _know_ too many of them. He planned to live on the inside of the walls, and he knew many of his fellow soldiers wouldn't make it to the inner walls. Why get too close?

Eren was an exception. He just ticked him off. So he wanted to go kill titans, that's great. But his blind enthusiasm and hatred would get others killed. Mikasa followed him everywhere-why couldn't Eren see that? Was he really so blind to that raven haired beauty? Eren would be the death of her, of that Jean was certain. He just pissed him off. He was constantly reminding him that "these were the inner walls" and that nowhere is safe. He just wanted everyone to go out and fight titans. If he was so ready to die in the belly of such a monster, fine. Just leave Mikasa and everyone else out of it! He hadn't meant to get to know that little punk so well, and he definitely didn't think of him like a friend, but he knew he could count on Eren to be around to vent some frustration off on to. Even if fighting within the squad was frowned upon.

Marco. Mr. Einstein. He wanted the honor of working and guarding the king. He was going to join the Military Police as well, so he was alright. A bit of a goody two-shoes, but alright nonetheless. He was more of an optimist than Jean, which actually made their friendship a more balanced thing. He was a good sounding board for Jean's rants, and had no problem at all in teasing him about his crush on Mikasa. Which was fair, as he enjoyed teasing him back about his crush on Mina.

He knew Annie was planning to join the MP's as well, but she was an odd one. He had tried to be friendly to her, seeing as they'd likely be working together in the same capacity together in the future, but she rebuffed that idea. Very reserved-and not like Mikasa's reserved either. Mikasa had friends, whereas Annie seemed to hold everyone at arm's length, if they even got that close. He'd seen her talking to Reiner and Bertholdt a time or two, but even that was rare, and short.

Then graduation night Eren picked that fight about the walls, safety and his having a dream of living outside the walls. His little speech was thought provoking, yes, but Jean wanted to live in comfort, without fear of death. He knew his own weaknesses and strengths. He wasn't crazy like _others_ in their squad were.

Jean was a realist. He kne that even with the best resources, humanity had so little going for it.

Still...it did resound a bit in him.

And then the Colossal Titan reappeared. And chaos ensued.

Why, oh why couldn't it have waited another day to appear? Then he would have been in the inner walls, not where the battle was. He would have been safe. And so would Thomas, Marco and Annie, as well as any of the others who would have joined them in the Military Police. Why couldn't that titan have just waited ONE DAY?!

When the cowards at HQ barricaded themselves, Jean didn't think they'd make it at all. They were on the last fumes of gas, and with the resupply of gas being surrounded by titans, there was no way to refill. And without gas they couldn't climb the wall. They were effectively trapped in a hellish city of death.

Even with Connie's idea and encouragement, he could feel his boots shaking in fear. He really didn't want to die on a suicide mission. But then Mikasa came and talked with Armin and heard that Eren was gone. It wasn't like she went ballistic or anything. She just went out to do what needed to be done. She buried her grief under action, under harsh words for everyone's, no, for _his_ cowardice. And then she left. Her actions, her words, shamed him. It was worth a shot, and if he did die in this rush to the HQ, at least he would die fighting. He couldn't just let her go on a suicide run by herself.

And for a brief time, he thought it could be possible, but that's when Mikasa ran out of gas and dropped. Connie told him to continue on, that he and Armin would go after Mikasa. It pained him to let them go after her, when he wanted to be the one to rescue her. Or die fighting next to her. Yet he pushed on, trusting Connie and Armin to help her. Thinking of what Marco had said about him being a leader. If they all dropped to get Mikasa, they would all die for sure. So he gritted his teeth and went on. But then as they got closer he realized there was just no way they'd be able to reach HQ. It was swarmed beyond belief and he just wasn't ready to make more sacrifices of his fellow cadets. He didn't want that responsibility on his head.

But then another one ran out of gas. As he was trapped by titans, well-meaning squad mates jumped in the fray to rescue him, but got caught instead. Desperately trying to block out the sound of their screams, the gushing of blood, the crunch of bone, Jean tried to think. He hated to abandon them, but there was no other choice. They were already beyond saving, and they barely had any gas. While these titans were distracted, they could move quickly and rush the HQ and pray to survive long enough to get inside.

He gave the order to move on.

How many died on his signal to continue? He hadn't counted before leaving, and he wouldn't count until they were safely in their beds when it was all over. It was a steep number, and he felt that weight on his shoulders. What was he thinking? They didn't stand a chance against anything that big! All he'd done is just made them live through yet more minutes of terror.

Mikasa didn't come in with their group, so she must be dead. Another weight on his shoulders, grief tugging at his heart. Titans were swarming at the windows, soon, too soon, they'd be reaching in to pull them out. It was over.

And then that crazed deviant titan punched them away and started clearing them out. Mikasa, Connie and Armin appeared. That weight on his shoulders eased just a bit.

It was a relief to have Armin there to come up with a plan for how to clear out the bottom level where the gas was being held. Yeah, he wasn't too fond of the idea and it's risks, but when there are no other options, you do what needs to be done! And it worked, so they were all able to restock their gas and have a momen'ts peace. The team worked together to get to the HQ, they worked together to clear that lower level, and now they'd work together to get back to the wall, right?

Wrong. That deviant titan was being eaten by its own kind, and Reiner had the crazy idea of _rescuing _the damn thing. While they stood around deliberating about rescuing it, it dispatched the remaining titans in a crazed frenzy. It ran out of energy and something happened. Could the dead come back to life? Because there he was, in the back of the neck.

Eren.

Eren was a titan?

Armin said it, and Jean agreed. What the hell happened? All that destruction was Eren's doing? What? How?

They made it back to the wall mostly alright. They were to keep things as confidential as possible with all that had happened in regards to Eren being a titan. A titan. How was that even possible!? And how were they supposed to keep that a secret? And what did it mean? That a titan can take the form of a human and infiltrate them? Why didn't he just infiltrate and devour them? Was he an intelligent deviant? Was he a human with a titan's power? How would THAT be possible? What was going on? Eren was just a hot headed human, wasn't he?

The gag order made sense, but he wondered how long it would be in place. Surely, news of Eren being a titan wouldn't be able to stay under wraps for long. When the explosion happened, it didn't take long for curiosity and concern to take over. Following Annie, Reiner and Bertholdt to the roof top to watch Eren, Mikasa and Armin, Jean found himself equally in awe and fear of Eren's skeletal titan and in concern for their safety.

And then the orders came in to recapture Trost. Huh? That hole was huge! Surely by now the place was overrun with titans again. The idea of recapturing it is ludicrous. Even _if_ Eren could shape shift into a titan as the General says, and _if_ he could plug in that hole, how many would die? And that's _if_ Eren can do it. He looked really out of it and loopy when he was released from the titan body he was in. Was that shape shift on purpose? No, he didn't think so. He didn't seem to know what he was doing then. How would he do any better now? This was an idea that would mean so much loss on a maybe. Did he really want to die for that?

But did he really want innocent civilians to die like that if he fled the battle?

He waited with his little squad- him, Connie and Annie- and waited for the signal to go. There! Green smoke! The mission was on! Distract the titans, don't get eaten, protect Eren at all costs by keeping the titans away.

Yes, the Military Police sure sounded good right now.

They all saw the red smoke signal, that the mission was a failure. They'd already lost so many, and it was all for naught. Who knows, maybe Eren is dead. Armin. Mikasa.

Fighting to stay alive, fighting to keep his squad, his friends alive, it was all he could do to stay a few steps ahead mentally. When Connie almost got caught, he reacted by instinct, swooping in to aid him. Then the icy splash of fear down his spine when he realized his equipment was busted, and that there was no way to escape. And even after looting the corpse's gear he found, it didn't work as well as his own had. As angry as he felt when Marco, Connie and Annie moved in to distract the incoming titan, he felt such a rush of gratitude for them. He wasn't ready to die.

After what seemed like an agonizingly long time of fighting, surviving, a shout went up. A yellow flare! So the mission was a success after all! Staring at the huge boulder and Eren's collapsed titan, Jean wondered if they actually stood a chance after all. Maybe Eren was rightly determined to win this war. Maybe they _did_ stand a chance.

Time to rest and recuperate and try to sleep through the nightmares. Cannons pounded in the not-too-far distance, hammering down on the titans on the other side of the wall. Clean up would start soon, and that was a task Jean dreaded.

He wasn't sure what he noticed first. The hair? The eyes? Everyone wearing the same uniform made immediate identification of the bodies more difficult, but he he just knew. He couldn't recall having seen him in the last day, but still! How could it be? Despite the shock in his system, he knew. He recognized the hair, the eyes, the freckles that a girl had complemented him on just a week ago...

Marco was dead.

But what happened? How had this happened? Why Marco? He was a good fighter, he was a loyal friend, for the time that they had trained together and known each other. So many had died. Marco. Mina. Franz. Thomas. The rest of Eren and Armin's squad. Captains, cadets and soldiers of all various ranks...so many friends, so many he had yet to meet. So many to grieve.

Tears threatening to flow over while staring into the funeral pyre, Jean pondered when these people became so dear to him. What would he do now? Continue with his goal into the Military Police, stay in the inner wall? Or...dare he do it? Dare he become a part of the Recon Legion? Face this slaughter, this gore, this loss so much more often? Spare another soldier the horrors? Stay with this squad who'd become his friends? Continue to watch their backs, as they'd watched his?

Yes.


End file.
